The Solution…
Susan Bankston
…to a passel of hassle
by Susan Bankston
Republicans in Texas want us all to have a voter picture identification in order to vote. Oh sure—like anybody looks like their driver’s license photo. I look like an 80-year-old man with a pointy hat and a perky set of ta-tas on mine.
Oddly, a current college ID with your picture on it does not count as a valid Texas voter identification, and neither does a veteran’s ID card.
However, a handgun permit does.
You’ve also probably heard that Republicans are spreading rumors that President Obama is going to take away everybody’s gun. They aren’t real clear on the reason why he hasn’t done it yet, but it’s probably because he just forgot to. You know, what with having to hunt down his birth certificate, then destroy our entire medical system, murder Vince Foster (oops, wrong Democrat), secretly send out mind-controlling waves to turn everyone into Kenyan Muslims with a good phony ID, appoint his comrades to the death panels, and . . . well, you know yourself what a busy schedule looks like.
Consequently, Republicans are totally obsessed with guns. And here’s the reason why. As Peter Gent wisely explained in North Dallas Forty, “Freud says that guns are an extension of your dick, Joe Bob.” While this puts women at a grave and deeply unfair disadvantage, it also explains why Democratic men don’t need guns.
However, I have a solution to this entire Republican obsession with the gun problem.
Now hear me out, because you’re gonna think this is a bad idea. You know, like people thought my drive-through liquor stores were a bad idea. Okay, so those were a bad idea, but this isn’t.
We liberals should get handgun permits. You do not have to actually buy an actual gun; you just have to get the permit.
Here’s how it works. You get your permit and hang it around your neck, put on your T-shirt with Castro Rocks!, PETA, Guns for Gays, or Malcolm X on the front, and go to a gun show.
Once inside, go find some guy who looks like he has an arsenal of hand grenades in his droopy drawers and stand behind him in line. The very second he finishes buying an AK-47, you loudly say, “I need something that shoots 57 yards farther than his.” The yardage doesn’t really matter, but we need to be consistent about this.
Then, mumble something about the Revolution scheduled for October.
You do not have to buy a firearm. In fact, my plan works better if you don’t, because then you can continue gun shopping and scaring the crap out of people with your mumbling about the whole 57-yard thing.
Just a little shopping tip: I learned the embarrassing way that gun caliber is not measured in horsepower. However, if you want to walk up to the gun counter and ask to see “something diesel-powered” with a scope the size of Vermont that can stop a herd of tanks or the Westborough Baptist Church, I’d be impressed. And, highly likely, the group of redneck crackers standing around would be, too.
Another effective line is, “Darlin’, do you have a handgun that will stop a Plymouth at 100 yards? Mumble, mumble, revolution, October, mumble, 57 yards . . . and do you have it in pink?”
I want you to stop for just a second and think about the sight of thousands of pissed-off women, gays, Hispanics, blacks, and big ol’ hairy white-wine fans threatening to heavily arm themselves for the whispered “revolution in October.” You think that will drive the right wing batcrap-crazy? Would a two-ton hog make a lot of bacon?
There’s one other thing you can do to help. When you hear a Republican say that President Obama is going to take away our guns, reply sweetly, “No, Honey, not our guns. There’s no ‘our’ to this. He’s taking your gun. And you know that whole ‘From my cold dead hands’ thing? Well, Babe, we have a whole Czar of Making That Happen.”
First result: Republicans will quit caring so damned much about the Second Amendment.
Next result: they will become undocumented workers having anchor babies in Canada faster than you can say “eh?”
Final result: silence on talk radio and Fox news.
Am I a genius or what? Okay, so at least admit it was better than my idea of a drive-through liquor store.
Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.
Category: Columns, Local News, News, Opinion/Commentary
Dan:
I bet you love your parents as much as I love mine. But every disagreement with me in this thread attacks me personally and ignores my point.
I maintain that Americans who fear an Obama second term in regard to the 2nd Amendment have reason to worry. Obama is a lawyer. He may protect your right to OWN a gun, but will you be able to buy bullets? Will gun manufacturers have the ability to produce guns? Will commerce of guns across state lines be in any way restricted?
You see, Obama’s 2008 campaign included many promises about taxes, keeping your doctor and negotiating health care reform on C-Span so that voters see who’s looking after their interests, reducing the size of the deficit, closing Gitmo prison, keeping unemployment below 8%, reforming immigration in his first year as president, and 5 million new green energy jobs, etc. Should we evaluate his performance and his words or would you prefer to ignore them?
He reformed immigration by executive order. Border Security is totally in the dark on their current mission. He took over GM. He refuses to enable the construction of the XL Pipeline. He gutted work from the welfare reform law signed by Clinton in 1996 that reduced the roles by 50% and now states can define “sleeping” as work.
In a second term, Obama would render Congress irrelevant. The United Nations may well have more impact in American life than Congress. This is not how our Constitution works.
Regards,
mc
Why do you believe that supporting the individual right to bear arms has anything to do with political party affiliation? The views that you express about supporters of the Constitution and gun owners show only that you are a bigot that views the world through stereotypes. Very tolerant of you.
Pegy Mitchell: Setting aside your 8th grade sense of humor, you totally ignore my point. Obama supporters like you were happy to see Democrats gain control of the Congress in the 2006 elections and claimed it was a “check and balance” on Bush 41. Fine.
Somehow, when Obama is served with a similar result in the 2010 elections, you’re fine with his desire to use Executive Orders to impose changes on our passed laws.
By extension, why wouldn’t citizens worry about Obama’s desire to work around the Congress? He took over GM, he took over 100% of student loans, he took over health care, he prevents the construction of the XL pipeline and has empowered faceless, unelected, unaccountable bureaucrats at EPA who regulate small businesses into the ground.
Just because you agree with Obama’s ideology, it does not give him a license to render the Congress, in the case of gun laws, oil production or welfare reform, as irrelevant.
He said himself that in a second term, he would “have more flexibility.”
Say “hello” to Susan for me. She does not permit competing ideas on her website. And here I thought liberals were tolerant of other views.
Make my day and you did..In the comments I noticed a bunch of folks that just didn’t get it…So sad.
I have several guns. Some one once asked me if I would really use one. Say what? You try breaking into my house and you will find out what I would do..
Oh and by the, not that it really matters, I am a democrat but the way I see it there is no one in Washington that gives a hoot in hell about any one or any thing than stirring up sand in their little sand box..just a bunch of money grubbing brats.
This is for MIKE CROW. Wow just WOW! What a dimwited right wing coward…or as I refer to you…”LITTLE DICKS” I have a gun, and I damn well know how to use it but I am not the lest bit worried the scary black man in the WH is going to sneak up and take my gun. What a bunch of fools you are!
Wow, finally after years of searching I have found the perfect application for the old saw “With friends like you, who the fuck needs enemies?”
Susan may mock the right of gun ownership and the fear of some that Obama seeks to take away guns, but it’s not altogether impossible. If Obama can, without Congressional action, nullify the Welfare Reform Act of 1996 signed by Clinton, and DOMA, passed in 1995, and dismiss a federal judge ruling that restricted the president’s moratorium on oil exploration in the Gulf, what is there to limit Obama’s power?
The “check and balances” that had when Dems took over Congress was a big deal to Susan and other liberals. But such a development would not be acceptable in 2012, apparently.
If Obama wins a second term, do not be surprised if the United Nations becomes his source of passing legislation, whether it be implementing restrictions on gun ownership, restrictions on Carbon emissions that effectively cripple many small businesses where 75% of job growth occurs.
Obama is a lawyer. He smiles nicely and cracks lots of funnies. But he is perfectly comfortable making the citizenry subservient to government rule.
I’m guessing you don’t actually know many people in the gun culture do you? You are all assuming everyone are right wing, Republicans, racist, or homophobic. That makes you kind of bigoted as well as sophomoric. Tell you what, how about wearing a Pink Pistols T shirt to a Brady Campaign even? Oh wait, they only wear tuxes at those.
Well, you’ve certainly shown your bigotry, ignorance and your uncovered, cantilevered gluteous maximus. Well done.
Susan, you make my day.
Susan, you’re the best!
Just so you know, there are plenty of us who *DO* have gun permits (or live in states that don’t need them,) and who *DO* go to gun shows wearing T-shirts that say “Democrat” on them, and “Democrats for Gun Ownership” or “Blue Steel Democrats” hats.
And we actually buy guns there.
President Obama did a great job of taking away Osama bin Laden’s guns. Maybe he has a plan!
I love it! I’m gonna do it, I swear!
I got a gun years ago, Susan, around 2002. I had it on my sailboat as I was alone on it and in Mexico. They do frown on that sort of thing there, so in a moment of nervousness, I tossed the bullets overboard. (One of these days I will actually buy ammunition for it again.) Not sure if I could use it on anyone anyway, but I’m not so reluctant to use bear spray. I also found a flare gun was a great and legal substitute.
Not that these things have anything to do with voter I.D…but I probably should stock up before October.
Susan, you have lots of wonderful ideas. This is one of your best.
I think this is a brilliant idea and so simple. Yes, you are a genius.
Substiture “57 yards” for “alice’s Restaurant:” You know, if one person, just one person does it they may think he’s really sick and they won’t take him. And if two people, two people do it, they may think they’re both faggots and they won’t take either of them. And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking in singin a bar of Alice’s Restaurant and walking out. They may think it’s an organization. And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day,I said fifty people a day walking in singin a bar of Alice’s Restaurant and
walking out. And friends they may thinks it’s a movement.