By Susan Bankston
The first thing I gotta say is this: Listen up, fellow Bernie Sanders supporters. If it gets down to Hillary Clinton vs. Donald Trump, come November I’ll vote for Hillary so hard it’ll blow your hemp socks off and namaste your butt back to last Thursday.
Donald Trump cannot be president of the United States of Damn America, y’all. Hell, I don’t even think he should be student-council president at Our Lady of Perpetual Virginity Middle School.
Honey, have you noticed that his spray tan is turning him increasingly tangerine? I don’t mean the good tangerine that’s kinda cute for a pop of color on your couch. I mean the is-that-even-in-the-visual-color-spectrum kind of tangerine. Lord, some days he is so orange that you gotta wonder if he farts Cheetos dust.
I haven’t decided yet who is scarier, Trump or his supporters. Last I heard, 23 percent of Trump fans think President Obama murdered Chief Justice Antonin Scalia with a combination of vaccinations and trans bathrooms because Scalia had discovered Obama’s secret home mosque and his certified Iraqi birth certificate.
Darlin’, it used to be that you had to visit armed compounds in Idaho to hear crazy crap like the Republicans are openly saying.
This is how nuts it is: one of Trump’s political supporters announced that Planned Parenthood was just like the KKK. Well, I can see how he got confused. After all, they’re both all about putting hoods on dicks.
I kinda hate that Trump won the nomination so soon, because it was fun to see which state Texas senator Ted Cruz would lose next. Face it, he had already lost the last four primaries, his dignity, and any right to claim he did not elbow his wife in the face on national teevee, twice.
New York Magazine conducted a poll and asked people, “What do you have a higher opinion of, Donald Trump or head lice?” Turns out that 54 percent prefer head lice.
I guess that’s a little stunning, until you realize there’s a list of reasons why people prefer head lice to Donald Trump. Well, I lied—there wasn’t actually a list until I made this one:
Top Eleven Reasons Why People Like Head Lice Better Than They Like Donald Trump (Because Ten Just Wasn’t Enough)
1. Head lice also had a reality show, but it got boring by the middle of the second season. Bite, chew, bite, chew, bite, chew, fire Gary Busey, bite, chew…
2. Head lice are not suspicious of all Muslims. They are, however, indiscriminately and cruelly suspicious of all hairpieces.
3. Head lice beat Donald Trump’s hair in the bathing suit competition at the one-and-only huuuuuge Mr. World Obnoxious Pageant in Des Moines, Iowa.
4. Even head lice know that taller walls mean longer ladders.
5. Head lice rarely seek medical help for a rejection lasting more than four hours.
6. Head lice just bite you. They rarely know any seventh-grade-locker-room names to call you.
7. Head lice have been known to form complete sentences.
8. You can get rid of head lice.
9. Head lice will show you their tax returns.
10. Head lice don’t have Rick Perry and Chris Christie sucking up to them.
11. Head lice wouldn’t be caught dead in a trucker gimme hat.
A couple more things: at their state convention, the Texas Republican Party called for an “immediate and orderly” phase-out of Social Security, and an immediate and we-don’t-give-a-big-bear’s-butt-if-it’s-orderly-or-not repeal of “Obamacare.” That means your mother is coming to live with you. Your sister is also coming—and, of course, she won’t have any health insurance now.
Let me end by saying the most important thing that I’ll say all day: if you’re upset that trans people just want to use the correct bathroom, the odds are about 100 percent that you’ve been wrong about pretty much everything since 1992.
Here’s a map of how it’s gone for the LGBTQ community.
✓ Exist
✓ Serve
✓ Marry
✓ Adopt
✓ Buy a cake
✓ Pee
All we need to do is never run out of checkmarks.
Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.
The Categorically Bouncingly Insane People are boycotting Target stores over their enlightened trans bathroom policy.
Saturday, June 4, is “Hell Yeah, Target! Day.” I have asked OutSmart to put the Target logo with a heart in it right here on this page for you to cut out or reproduce, and then sashay your sweet patootie to Target to thank them. Sign your name to it, and bring a little tape to stick it on their bathroom door or front door to thank them for being good Americans who love their fellow Americans.
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